Over You

I've had someone say, "You aren't over him." 
I've been asked if I was over the heartache. 
I've been wondering if there would be a moment of solidarity that confirmed what I've thought the past several months I'm over you.

Last night, I found myself texting you and giving advice. You came to me broken and alone. I told myself I wasn't going to be your friend. I told myself that the past 8 months. You don't deserve my friendship. I still agree with that, but you do deserve kindness, compassion, and forgiveness. You deserve to see Christ's love; even if it's living through me and being spoken from my words. 

Then, tonight, you sat in my living room with our daughter in your lap. Your eyes were asking for hope, searching for answers. We talked about things with such ease. I don't remember us talking like that when we were a couple. I made comments about my life (now) that you had no idea about. I could see the shock on your face; you realizing I'm not the same person you once knew. You saw me glowing, radiant, free, and happy. Who was this person in front of you? How could you be like her? I get it. 

I told you tonight, "Where you are right now, that's where I was. I've been there, I've felt the emotions. So, when I'm telling you something, it's not because it's the book answer, it's the real raw truth." You see, I know God is using me in this life and He has plans for me to help others. Did I ever think He would have me start with you? Never in a thousand years, but His plan is much bigger than I can fathom. He is teaching me so much when it comes to how I'm able to talk with you. 

We talked about other partners, other experiences, and although I was once broken when it came to realizing you weren't only going to be just mine...I felt nothing tonight. No sadness, no loneliness, no wondering thoughts about our past. Nothing. 

You may think you grew with me and we grew together as a couple, but you're wrong. You might have grown, yes. But as a couple, we didn't grow. It was one sided. I encouraged growth on your end; I even ran to catch up with you when it came to our relationship, but I never grew. My feet were buried in the mud, but I made sure you were growing. I made sure your feet were able to move at all times. I remained in the same spot; unhappy and lost. 

Between that realization and the emotionless connection I had with you tonight, it made me realize that the happiness and completeness I have in my life right now confirms that I am over you. We will always stare at our daughter in disbelief that we created her. We may even exchange looks as she grows about memories that she brings to the surface; a laugh or giggle. A phrase. A movie. A kiss. Anything. We may even hug and remember the way we both felt safe in one another's embrace. We may have to lean on one another emotionally for support during a trailing time with our daughter. In all of this, I'll respect you. But I'll be over you. I've been over you. I never thought it would be possible. But, I've put in the work, and discovered myself and the potential I have as a person in this world. I'll never go backward. 

I hope you become a worthy man. I hope you find a wife someday that is worthy of you and our daughter. I pray for these things for you. Keep working on your life, keep filtering the bad out, and strive to better yourself. Turn your eyes to Jesus, I guarantee you'll see the reflection of the man you were created to be. 

When Anger Creeps In

There is a grieving process a person goes through when they've been betrayed. A series of emotions take over and finding the healthiest way for you to adjust and move on is a struggle. 

I thank God for His plan in my life and giving me Laurel and having this happen just days before I met my daughter. Had I not been pregnant, I'm not sure if I would be dealing with this in a healthy way. I'm sure I would try but I might end up just as lost as my ex.

I had sadness for a while. Disbelief, numbness, hope, and then just recently anger has reared it's head. Sometimes I don't even have to talk to my ex to become enraged. I can be sitting, holding my daughter and the thought of walking away from her or simply throwing a pretty decent life away makes me want to scream. How does someone do that?

Then I go back and forth between thoughts about how I must have been such a horrible partner, how I didn't try hard enough, or how everything I thought was real was a complete sham. 

Then, I follow up with these thoughts: I gave and loved with everything I had for years, with nothing in return. I invested emotionally, physically, financially, and mentally and was completely drained. My existence and purpose was to make his life easier, I catered to his needs like a wounded dog wanting my master's approval. Setting love aside, a true friendship of 9 years would be worth more than months of cheating and walking away without any explanation. My friendship that I invested was worth closure. 

To those of you going through similar situations, there are so many questions and scenarios that you go over and over in your head. Sometimes you feel like you're drowning in uncertainty about every moment of your past relationship. I found that if you make positive, affirming statements that you know are true about yourself or the past relationship, you can repeat those, revisit them mentally and focus on those instead of letting the unknown eat at you. Those are truth. Some of the questions and thoughts you stay focused on will never go away and the answers will never surface. Here are my statements I revisit. Statements of truth.

1. I've never been happier. 

2. Laurel and I deserve more. We deserve a man of God.

3. The only way he (my ex) will find himself is through Christ.

4. God has prepared my heart and mind for this season in my life. He is also continuing to prepare my heart for something greater. This is all making me a woman of faith.

I have to repeat these to myself because sometimes the anger creeps in and I want to say hurtful things, sit and be angry, or simply shut off. I don't feel the need to get revenge. I've forgiven him (you'll read about that more later), but it doesn't mean that the grieving process goes away with forgiveness. It still appears at some of the most inconvenient times, but it tests my faith, prayer, and grace. 

No Longer Mine

It was midnight, on I-90, heading back to Montana from a weekend in Washington celebrating my nephew's birthday. Laurel, my sister Christy, and Noah were all sleeping in the car. I was so jealous, what I would have given to have a short nap. I had the windows down and radio turned up.

The opening started, the gentle tones coming out of the speakers. Usually my hand moves quickly to a different saved radio channel when I hear the song come on. My throat closes a little, my stomach flips upside down and I move quickly to hear what's on the next saved channel. It's usually country, something twangy and spunky. It helps the mood pass quicker; the "lets hate on cheating men" anthems save my heartache.

I waited a little longer, the first couple of lines were passing through the air. Oh that Sam Smith, can he sing or what? My stomach didn't drop, my heart kept beating, and I didn't want to throw up because I was physically dealing with so many emotions. My memory didn't trigger to that night where I sat sobbing for hours, wondering what I would do because my whole life, everything I knew was gone.

I gripped the steering wheel and sang. I sang with conviction, off tune I'm sure, but with the experience of heart break. I felt free. I sang along and smiled, partially from trying to reach those high notes that only Sam Smith and Baby Jesus could reach, I'm sure. I also smiled because I wasn't restricted, I wasn't controlled by those emotions that came along with the song.

When silence came over the car, after the song ended. I wondered if I would cry. If I would have one of those moments where I realize what I've actually experienced the past 6 months. Would it hit me all at once again? Nothing. The next song came on the radio.

I kept smiling. Sleep deprived, hungry, and slightly sun burnt...I smiled.

Those lyrics used to be me. Used to be my life. Used to explain my heart. But, they were no longer mine. The emotions that came with the song, the memories, the constant struggle to avoid the song...no longer mine.

What was mine? Freedom, empathy for the next person who would avoid the song, happiness, closure, and love.

Moments like these teach me so much. I'm reminded that with every single day, I find a part of me. I find a piece of happiness I didn't have the day before. I'm reminded of my worth. I'm constantly empowered by my decision to take what happened and move on. No looking back, that is no longer my life.

Sam Smith: I'm Not the Only One https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nCkpzqqog4k

Dating As a Mom

I'm a mom. I have a daughter. I work full time. I'm a parent.

But, that's not all that there is to me. I have many layers.

I feel as if I'll be writing about this topic for a long time, even after I meet the man I'll call my husband. But, right now, I want to touch base on the overall idea of dating as a mom. I'm a new mom and that will be a topic I'll revisit a little later. Because I went from this idea of "I'm a new mom, I don't have time, I can't date" to "I'm a mom and I am open to dating".

Here are some simple points about me and dating:

1. I do not go out looking for someone to date.
2. My daughter comes first
3. My daughter will not be around the man I'm dating until it's a serious & committed relationship.
4. I want to grow in faith with my spouse.
5. I'm not trying to replace her father.

You see, someday, Laurel may call two men "dad". Her biological father and her step father. Or she may not. I don't really know. What I do know is when I find a man who becomes a part of mine and Laurel's life, he will have to love us both. We are a package deal.

I have friends who are single mothers, I think out of all of us, I have the youngest child. I'm the newbie. But, I love that my friends call me or text me freaking out about dating. It makes me smile; it lets me know I'm not alone and that they trust me enough to share their fears and worries. I also love being a voice of reason because sometimes I feel like I'm the worry wart far too often.

A couple of weeks ago a friend was struggling with dating after a split with her daughters father. I remember the advice I gave her was specifically for her, but after say it, it related to me. Our stories are very similar when it comes to the involvement of our daughters fathers.

"You're a mother and a great one at that. You work full time and raise her on your own, so if you were to date someone that's okay. That's healthy. Forming friendships are healthy. You can't hide away, you would suffer as a person and then your parenting may suffer. You're made to make connections. You don't have to bring her (her daughter) around the man until you're sure it's a serious and committed relationship. A couple hours a week, on a date to dinner isn't going to make you less of a mother."

Now, for those of you who don't know my full story, I was in the same relationship for nearly 9 years. I didn't date growing up. So, I feel like I don't know how or what to do on dates, that's okay! No one does. That's where I remind myself that I'm not out looking to date, people walk into your life and make an impact and if you explore those feelings and relationships, great. On the other hand, I may go through a period of time where I am content being single.

I enjoy being single. For 9 years, I focused on someone else. I lost who I was. I'm a mom now and take care of Laurel but I also don't rely on another person's schedule or have to worry about making their life easier. I worry about mine and Laurel's life. I enjoy the freedom. I enjoy learning about what I do and don't like. I was focused on growing as a couple for 9 years, I lost me. Freedom & self love is amazing.

The most important part to me is finding a man who has a relationship with Christ. I pray for my future husband. I pray for myself and I ask that our hearts and lives comes together in God's timing and that we listen to God when that time comes. I ask that God prepares my heart for a man he's created entirely for me. So in the meantime, I work on the areas in my life that I was left with from my previous relationship that has made me sad, hard, or resistant. God does not want me to be bitter or harsh. So I work on that. Dating does not mean that I can't work on all of that, it means I'm getting to know people. I love that I'm making more friends while dating.

I use this motto "Don't date someone you can't see yourself marrying." That is so relevant and true. I think there are so many different interpretations of dating that it's hard to understand at what point you become dating and what point you're still getting to know someone. Dating is getting to know someone. It's up to you as a person to determine how many layers and levels that includes when it comes to the physical side of things. That's between you and God.

Sex will be another topic I write about later.

Be easy on yourself mommas, dating doesn't make you less than.