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Wednesday, June 10, 2015

Introduction & Background

Let me first explain that nothing is off topic on this blog. This will help me with my sanity. It will be my release and most importantly, it will document every struggle and win. 

I was in a long term relationship for nearly 9 years, when my daughter's father and my boyfriend walked out on us three weeks before I gave birth. My entire pregnancy I was being cheated on and fighting to be "enough" and someone he would want. Maybe if I tried harder in different areas, he would see I was worth it and would stop seeing this other woman.

 Now, you will find that I won't bash her father, but I also won't sugar coat or make excuses for his choices and actions. I have found forgiveness by God's love. However, I struggle daily with the sudden emotions that come with what happened. I sometimes get jealous, angry, and even sad that I was put into this situation and that it doesn't seem to bother him. More than anything, my heart breaks for my daughter. But that's where my trust in God comes into play. I do not know what the future has in store. 

I became a mother at 23. More than that, I became a mother two states away from my family and biggest support system. I have amazing friends in Montana and my daughter's father's family is within a hour driving distance, but not being around my mother and nana daily when I'm raising my daughter...it's painful. 

My pregnancy was very rough, I was sick up until the day I had her. My labor was also very long, 62 hours. I was in pradromal labor for 52 hours. After pushing for a couple of hours, a c-section is how I met my daughter. It was the hardest decision to make because it was yet again, another thing I didn't have control over, but I wouldn't change it for the world. 

I met Laurel Ruth at 7:19 p.m. weighing 6 lbs 11 ounces and 19 inches long on March 6, 2015. Full head of hair, long fingers and toes, her father's mouth, my nose, and the most beautiful dark blue eyes (these have since changed to brown). When I held her on my chest and saw her move her hand to her mouth...I knew, nothing would stop me from loving and being the woman and mother she deserves. That pain and heart break of everything I knew and loved walking out on me with another woman...it vanished. I truly became a new person in those quick moments with a new life on my chest. I didn't cry. I smiled, I smiled for the first time in months and my heart soured with happiness and completeness. At that moment, I knew God had given her to me to save me. 

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