It was midnight, on I-90, heading back to Montana from a weekend in Washington celebrating my nephew's birthday. Laurel, my sister Christy, and Noah were all sleeping in the car. I was so jealous, what I would have given to have a short nap. I had the windows down and radio turned up.
The opening started, the gentle tones coming out of the speakers. Usually my hand moves quickly to a different saved radio channel when I hear the song come on. My throat closes a little, my stomach flips upside down and I move quickly to hear what's on the next saved channel. It's usually country, something twangy and spunky. It helps the mood pass quicker; the "lets hate on cheating men" anthems save my heartache.
I waited a little longer, the first couple of lines were passing through the air. Oh that Sam Smith, can he sing or what? My stomach didn't drop, my heart kept beating, and I didn't want to throw up because I was physically dealing with so many emotions. My memory didn't trigger to that night where I sat sobbing for hours, wondering what I would do because my whole life, everything I knew was gone.
I gripped the steering wheel and sang. I sang with conviction, off tune I'm sure, but with the experience of heart break. I felt free. I sang along and smiled, partially from trying to reach those high notes that only Sam Smith and Baby Jesus could reach, I'm sure. I also smiled because I wasn't restricted, I wasn't controlled by those emotions that came along with the song.
When silence came over the car, after the song ended. I wondered if I would cry. If I would have one of those moments where I realize what I've actually experienced the past 6 months. Would it hit me all at once again? Nothing. The next song came on the radio.
I kept smiling. Sleep deprived, hungry, and slightly sun burnt...I smiled.
Those lyrics used to be me. Used to be my life. Used to explain my heart. But, they were no longer mine. The emotions that came with the song, the memories, the constant struggle to avoid the song...no longer mine.
What was mine? Freedom, empathy for the next person who would avoid the song, happiness, closure, and love.
Moments like these teach me so much. I'm reminded that with every single day, I find a part of me. I find a piece of happiness I didn't have the day before. I'm reminded of my worth. I'm constantly empowered by my decision to take what happened and move on. No looking back, that is no longer my life.
Sam Smith: I'm Not the Only One https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nCkpzqqog4k
I've been a believer my whole life, but I walked away from the church. I became a single mother in March 2015, and in October 2015, I was baptized. A lot has brought me to where I am today, and I'm humbled to live this life for Christ. Here's my past and future...
Popular Posts
-
I've had someone say, "You aren't over him." I've been asked if I was over the heartache. I've been wondering ...
-
Let me first explain that nothing is off topic on this blog. This will help me with my sanity. It will be my release and most importantly, i...
-
A year ago today, I found out I was pregnant. I thought I had the flu. I had been away in Washington throwing my sister's baby shower an...
No comments:
Post a Comment