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Thursday, October 15, 2015
There are so many blessings that come with being a parent. So many joys. So many laughs, kisses, messy faces. There are so many moments where I'm brought to tears out of disbelief that this is my amazing and perfect life. I'm taken back daily by the creation of my daughter and the little person she's becoming. I sit and watch her discover, accomplish new leaps and bounds in her motor skills, her voice, and her willingness to try new, scary things. She is her father's daughter like that; she stretches and challenges the limits until she's satisfied. People say she's like me in that sense but I don't look at the task and take it on immediately, I weigh out the pros and cons, come up with a plan, plan b, and then decide if it's worth it. If she is like this as an adult, I'll be envious but so incredibly proud.
When all of this stops, when I'm alone at work, driving in the car to get my daughter, or sitting in the dark living room taking a moment to myself-so many emotions want to rise and show themselves. It's exhausting. I don't stuff them down often, I really don't. I know it's only been 8 months and that sometimes this kind of struggle and hardship takes a lifetime to accept and process. But, I feel like I make progress and then I take a couple steps back. I notice the anger I have when I don't have enough time in the day to take care of myself, Laurel, my house, and be able to truly just love on my daughter. I get so mad. I know I'm doing a great job, and my daughter is loved and happy. My school work gets done. My job is getting done. But help--help would be wonderful. I do ask for it when I'm stretched thin, my village is amazing. But there's this anger and resentment toward the other person that's supposed to be a parent. I think this will be the hardest lesson to learn-the hardest pain to understand. Because it involves my daughter being robbed. He's robbing her. Does he not see that? She deserve such an amazing father-she deserves the world and he doesn't see that or doesn't feel the need to become that for her.
What do I do when I'm sitting at home and she does something incredible, completely amazing and she reminds me of him-which she does often-and I can't just pick up the phone and share the excitement? I can, but is that really my job? Am I supposed to rely every movement, every stride to him and then he continues to not be present? No. I don't. I share pictures and update him when he asks, but at what point do I stop getting frustrated that I can't share those moments with him-because I know his potential. I know if he wanted, he could be an incredible father. But because of what I know and what I've promised myself for my daughter, I will not enable him-I will not make things easier-I will not do what I've always done and cater to him.
Today, as I was driving and a familiar song came on the radio--I'm always taken back to moments of hearing that song and his commentary. Moments that weren't always bad. They were decent. But, today I got sad. I haven't been sad concerning him & our past in a long time-probably since he left. But today, something overwhelming came over and I couldn't believe I was feeling so sad. I had to sit at the grocery store parking lot and think through it-was I missing him? No. Was I missing our relationship? No. Was I sad because he walked out? No. Did I miss my friend? Maybe, but just the person I thought he was. Did I wish things were different? Absolutely not. So why, Chelsea, why are you sad?
Because my daughter may never get to even have the good memories, the good moments. I have moments of contentment with her father-looking back-I don't think I was every truly happy. I was forcing myself to be happy, to accept and embrace the love we had. I loved him, very much but I wasn't happy. What made me happy was loving him and trying to make him happy. So, will my daughter live that same life with her father? Will she struggle with wanting and trying to make her father happy but never truly have happy moments and memories with her father? Will they create happy moments and then as she gets older, will she realize that it was all fake? Can he love her the way she deserves? Because he wronged me, I'm so fearful he will do it to her, like it was done to me by my father(s).
I know these fears and questions can never be addressed right now. I know our lives will fall into place the way God intends it to, but I'm so worried about how he will impact her life. I know the only way to ease this fear and calm my heart is through prayer and teaching my daughter of her Heavenly and Loving Father, Jesus. This is what I plan to do. On October 25, I will be baptized and it's more than just letting go of my past and promising to live my life for Christ, it's a declaration that I'll teach my daughter about how to be a Godly woman and about the One true, Abba Father.