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Sunday, September 6, 2015

Routines & Chaos

I never noticed how my life before Laurel was routine or chaotic. I spent time at home, work, the gym, with the few friends I had. I spent time with my ex, a lot. We didn't do much, but we were always hanging out. When life got chaotic, I would get a little frazzled and just wait until it calmed down.

Being a mother, there's chaos in the routine. You can't have one without the other. You wake up in the middle of the night to walk down the hall to check on your little one. You wake up in the morning before the alarm goes off or you sleep through the alarm but only hear your baby crying. You spend early hours, smiling, playing and getting baby dressed. There's the morning feeding, if she's hungry. Now that she goes longer between feedings, she can often wait until she's at the babysitters. We play and giggle more. Spend time reading and playing with toys until the sun comes up. Then it's rushing for you to get ready, did you shower last night? Do you have enough time to take one before you need to head out the door? No, better just use a baby wipe if it's that bad.

Work, daily tasks, conversations, the questions about missing your baby. Remembering to eat or reminding yourself not to eat your emotions and stress. More daily tasks, try to have adult conversations without bringing up your baby, fail miserably. Check the clock and then look through every photo on Facebook or your phone because you miss your baby. Pick baby up from the babysitter. Head home, try to not go through the drive thru out of convenience and time but go home and cook. Cooking usually is put off by snuggle and play time. Then it's baby's dinner time and bath time. More playing, giggles, spanish lessons, story time. Snuggles until you both are exhausted. Only one gets sleep, typically.

The process starts all the way over. This is what Monday-Friday looks like. On chaotic days, there's a play date or a workout or errands thrown in the mix which then creates for less one on one time with baby.

My life changed so fast and with such beauty that it's these late nights that remind me that there is so much more to this life that I'm leading than the chaotic routines and repetitiveness. There are moments made and memories shared. Sure, Laurel won't remember them, but I will.

Tonight, I watched as she got on her knees, pulling her belly up and rocking on her hands and knees. She rocked and looked at me with wide eyes, dimples in her cheeks, and she laughed. She understood she was going to take off...any day now. I laughed with her and had tears streaming down my face. She is becoming this independent, fire ball of a little girl and in the routine and the chaos I sometimes loose sight of that.

She turned 6 months old today. She has been in my arms for 6 months, the best 6 months of my life. I've soaked up every moment, memory, tear, giggle, and heartache.

Tomorrow, I start focusing on myself a little more. It won't take away from Laurel & least I hope it doesn't. I will start working out regularly and eating clean. I have gained some weight in the last couple of months. Mainly from poor eating choices. There's no excuse, I knew every time I ordered a pizza or I got drive thru what I was doing. My body feels horrible. It's so sluggish. I used food AGAIN to cover and push some emotions and things down. No more. I'm facing it head on.

I'll create a new routine. Or maybe I'll just build to it. Is it ever really a routine when so much changes in so little time or it's always evolving? Is it just structured chaos?

Whatever it is, it's a beautiful life and I'm so lucky to be able to live and create this life with my daughter.

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