Over You

I've had someone say, "You aren't over him." 
I've been asked if I was over the heartache. 
I've been wondering if there would be a moment of solidarity that confirmed what I've thought the past several months I'm over you.

Last night, I found myself texting you and giving advice. You came to me broken and alone. I told myself I wasn't going to be your friend. I told myself that the past 8 months. You don't deserve my friendship. I still agree with that, but you do deserve kindness, compassion, and forgiveness. You deserve to see Christ's love; even if it's living through me and being spoken from my words. 

Then, tonight, you sat in my living room with our daughter in your lap. Your eyes were asking for hope, searching for answers. We talked about things with such ease. I don't remember us talking like that when we were a couple. I made comments about my life (now) that you had no idea about. I could see the shock on your face; you realizing I'm not the same person you once knew. You saw me glowing, radiant, free, and happy. Who was this person in front of you? How could you be like her? I get it. 

I told you tonight, "Where you are right now, that's where I was. I've been there, I've felt the emotions. So, when I'm telling you something, it's not because it's the book answer, it's the real raw truth." You see, I know God is using me in this life and He has plans for me to help others. Did I ever think He would have me start with you? Never in a thousand years, but His plan is much bigger than I can fathom. He is teaching me so much when it comes to how I'm able to talk with you. 

We talked about other partners, other experiences, and although I was once broken when it came to realizing you weren't only going to be just mine...I felt nothing tonight. No sadness, no loneliness, no wondering thoughts about our past. Nothing. 

You may think you grew with me and we grew together as a couple, but you're wrong. You might have grown, yes. But as a couple, we didn't grow. It was one sided. I encouraged growth on your end; I even ran to catch up with you when it came to our relationship, but I never grew. My feet were buried in the mud, but I made sure you were growing. I made sure your feet were able to move at all times. I remained in the same spot; unhappy and lost. 

Between that realization and the emotionless connection I had with you tonight, it made me realize that the happiness and completeness I have in my life right now confirms that I am over you. We will always stare at our daughter in disbelief that we created her. We may even exchange looks as she grows about memories that she brings to the surface; a laugh or giggle. A phrase. A movie. A kiss. Anything. We may even hug and remember the way we both felt safe in one another's embrace. We may have to lean on one another emotionally for support during a trailing time with our daughter. In all of this, I'll respect you. But I'll be over you. I've been over you. I never thought it would be possible. But, I've put in the work, and discovered myself and the potential I have as a person in this world. I'll never go backward. 

I hope you become a worthy man. I hope you find a wife someday that is worthy of you and our daughter. I pray for these things for you. Keep working on your life, keep filtering the bad out, and strive to better yourself. Turn your eyes to Jesus, I guarantee you'll see the reflection of the man you were created to be. 

Deceleration

Last Sunday, October 25, 2015 I made a life changing decision. This has been on my heart for years. Yes,  years. My mother and step father had me baptized and dedicated as an infant. I was raised in the church and have grown up believing and relying on God as my higher power. I've made decisions that are seen to not reflect that belief, but I've always had faith. I've grown over the past few years, and within the last 8 months, I've really found who I am in Christ and who I want to be. So, in September there was the option of being baptized at my church, River of Life. I immediately signed up. My cousin was also being baptized in Idaho the same weekend, so I decided to attend his in support.

This summer, I made some choices I'm not proud of and acted in ways that I never would have before; or at least that's what I thought. I went through this "I'm single, stressed, and want to have fun" phase. I wasn't living a life that I was proud of but my stress was lessened and I was around a lot of awesome people and I felt my age; I didn't feel my responsibilities crashing down around me every second. I have worked through those feelings with the Lord and have been extremely raw in my pleas to be formed and renewed in His eyes. Because I wasn't baptized in September, I found myself thinking about it a lot and praying about it. So, another opportunity came up and I knew that I had a month before I was going to make a huge deceleration of faith.

Being baptized is a public display of your faith and a proclamation of how you plan to live your life. I was so excited to make a public announcement of who I plan to live for and the life I've chosen after some of the hardest years of my life. I know Jesus has forgiven me of my sins, He has done that since I first believed. But, I never really consciously tried to lessen those sins by living a pure or Godly life. Yes, I'm a nice person, I give and serve others, practice respect, ect. But, I've never really thought to myself before make decisions or real life choices "Is this going to benefit God? Is this glorifying His name?" So, making a deceleration and being baptized, I was making a promise not only to God but myself that I was going to live and walk a life that glorifies Him & I was going to raise my daughter to love and honor Him as well.

I had family & friends from Washington, Idaho, Seeley Lake, and Missoula there to support and pour out their love for the choice I was making for Laurel and I. It was a beautiful and very emotional morning. Since I discovered basking in the Holy Spirit years ago at CFO, I have felt a strong calling in prayer. So, I spent most of my morning and time at church listening to the Word in prayer and communication with God. I had my dear friend and leader of the single mom's group at church, Jeannine present (along with the other single moms). Gary & Heatherann, Laurel's grandparents were present by my side. The moments before and listening to Pastor Jason speak into my life about healing and using my hurt and my struggles to help those who are hurting and going through what I went through was confirmation of everything I experienced in prayer that morning. It was amazing to hear that confirmation, just seconds before I was washed of my old life.

God is so good! 

Fears

There are so many blessings that come with being a parent. So many joys. So many laughs, kisses, messy faces. There are so many moments where I'm brought to tears out of disbelief that this is my amazing and perfect life. I'm taken back daily by the creation of my daughter and the little person she's becoming. I sit and watch her discover, accomplish new leaps and bounds in her motor skills, her voice, and her willingness to try new, scary things. She is her father's daughter like that; she stretches and challenges the limits until she's satisfied. People say she's like me in that sense but I don't look at the task and take it on immediately, I weigh out the pros and cons, come up with a plan, plan b, and then decide if it's worth it. If she is like this as an adult, I'll be envious but so incredibly proud. 

When all of this stops, when I'm alone at work, driving in the car to get my daughter, or sitting in the dark living room taking a moment to myself-so many emotions want to rise and show themselves. It's exhausting. I don't stuff them down often, I really don't. I know it's only been 8 months and that sometimes this kind of struggle and hardship takes a lifetime to accept and process. But, I feel like I make progress and then I take a couple steps back. I notice the anger I have when I don't have enough time in the day to take care of myself, Laurel, my house, and be able to truly just love on my daughter. I get so mad. I know I'm doing a great job, and my daughter is loved and happy. My school work gets done. My job is getting done. But help--help would be wonderful. I do ask for it when I'm stretched thin, my village is amazing. But there's this anger and resentment toward the other person that's supposed to be a parent. I think this will be the hardest lesson to learn-the hardest pain to understand. Because it involves my daughter being robbed. He's robbing her. Does he not see that? She deserve such an amazing father-she deserves the world and he doesn't see that or doesn't feel the need to become that for her. 

What do I do when I'm sitting at home and she does something incredible, completely amazing and she reminds me of him-which she does often-and I can't just pick up the phone and share the excitement? I can, but is that really my job? Am I supposed to rely every movement, every stride to him and then he continues to not be present? No. I don't. I share pictures and update him when he asks, but at what point do I stop getting frustrated that I can't share those moments with him-because I know his potential. I know if he wanted, he could be an incredible father. But because of what I know and what I've promised myself for my daughter, I will not enable him-I will not make things easier-I will not do what I've always done and cater to him. 

Today, as I was driving and a familiar song came on the radio--I'm always taken back to moments of hearing that song and his commentary. Moments that weren't always bad. They were decent. But, today I got sad. I haven't been sad concerning him & our past in a long time-probably since he left. But today, something overwhelming came over and I couldn't believe I was feeling so sad. I had to sit at the grocery store parking lot and think through it-was I missing him? No. Was I missing our relationship? No. Was I sad because he walked out? No. Did I miss my friend? Maybe, but just the person I thought he was. Did I wish things were different? Absolutely not. So why, Chelsea, why are you sad?

Because my daughter may never get to even have the good memories, the good moments. I have moments of contentment with her father-looking back-I don't think I was every truly happy. I was forcing myself to be happy, to accept and embrace the love we had. I loved him, very much but I wasn't happy. What made me happy was loving him and trying to make him happy. So, will my daughter live that same life with her father? Will she struggle with wanting and trying to make her father happy but never truly have happy moments and memories with her father? Will they create happy moments and then as she gets older, will she realize that it was all fake? Can he love her the way she deserves? Because he wronged me, I'm so fearful he will do it to her, like it was done to me by my father(s). 

I know these fears and questions can never be addressed right now. I know our lives will fall into place the way God intends it to, but I'm so worried about how he will impact her life. I know the only way to ease this fear and calm my heart is through prayer and teaching my daughter of her Heavenly and Loving Father, Jesus. This is what I plan to do. On October 25, I will be baptized and it's more than just letting go of my past and promising to live my life for Christ, it's a declaration that I'll teach my daughter about how to be a Godly woman and about the One true, Abba Father. 

Dear Cheating Ex-

My heart aches for you. It aches for your loneliness and your insecurities. No person should feel so insecure in who they are. No one should feel less than. I'm sorry that you could not take all the love, dedication, appreciation, and friendship of our 8.5 years and realize how truly wonderful you are and how much potential you have. But I realize, no one can make you believe or trust that except yourself.

You see, I had to realize it for myself also. I had to discover my worth. I had to reach the lowest point and crawl up out of the pit of despair because I knew my life was worth it. It's hard. Realizing, trusting, and embracing your worth is one of the hardest experiences someone will go through. But I guarantee you'll find happiness and wholeness in life once you do. Keep trying.

I want to say thank you. These thank you's aren't out of sarcasm or to hurt you. They are truly appreciation for what you've taught me. I've learned to make the best out of every situation and to search and pray for a lesson or answer in every trial. You taught me that. Your actions surely broke a home, my heart, and what could have been a secure future...but more than that they created a healthier me. I had to do the hard work. I had to dig deep & overcome emotions, heartache, and complete loss.

Thank you for reminding me what and who really matters. Your actions had a domino reaction to everything in my life and at the end of ever tumble...it lead me to God. I strayed from my relationship with God; surely you know that. Your relationship became non existent also. We were in a sinful relationship; extremely unhealthy and God was not the center. We lost ourselves in who we were in Christ and because of that we lost ourselves as people and our relationship just became this empty shell of the two of us but nothing significant to contribute to one another or God's Kingdom. Because of what happened, I found myself crawling back on my knees to Christ. Trusting His love and plans for my life. This is probably the most precious lesson.

Thank you for hiding secrets, lying, and continuing to hurt me over and over. Because of this, you've made me more aware. Aware of my emotions, purpose, and what I truly deserve. It was up to me to stop giving you chance after chance. I admit, I should have stopped things a long time ago--I probably would have saved a lot of heartache...possibly on both sides. But, I know that things happened the way they were supposed to. Because of your unfaithfulness and disregard to my feelings or our friendship, I discovered how often I let people take advantage of me and I am now proactive.

I'm in this new season of life and it's such a beautiful time where I'm experiencing new things, meeting new people, growing as a child of God and a mother. It truly is one of my favorite seasons so far. It's reminds me of the moments following a storm when the wind gently breezes through the trees, the rain slows it's pace, and the grass smells as if it has become fresher. It's within that moment where you smile and wait for the rainbow to appear. 

This season wouldn't have happened without you. I'll be honest, I never wanted to give you credit for what I've been fighting for and the strength I've had to discover but if it wasn't for what you did--I might have never dug myself out. I would have sat in that loveless, dead relationship for years. Our daughter would have seen it and come to known it as normal. You hurt me, you broke me, and took away what felt like a lifetime of memories and friendship but your actions had me fight for my future. Thank you. 

I pray you find your way. Your worth. Your happy ending. Your purpose God has outlined for you. In the meantime, be aware of your actions. Treat others kindly. Love purely. Trust God's hand in your life. Our daughter and I pray for you every night. We pray that Papa finds what he has been looking for. 

In my prayers,

Chelsea 

Routines & Chaos

I never noticed how my life before Laurel was routine or chaotic. I spent time at home, work, the gym, with the few friends I had. I spent time with my ex, a lot. We didn't do much, but we were always hanging out. When life got chaotic, I would get a little frazzled and just wait until it calmed down.

Being a mother, there's chaos in the routine. You can't have one without the other. You wake up in the middle of the night to walk down the hall to check on your little one. You wake up in the morning before the alarm goes off or you sleep through the alarm but only hear your baby crying. You spend early hours, smiling, playing and getting baby dressed. There's the morning feeding, if she's hungry. Now that she goes longer between feedings, she can often wait until she's at the babysitters. We play and giggle more. Spend time reading and playing with toys until the sun comes up. Then it's rushing for you to get ready, did you shower last night? Do you have enough time to take one before you need to head out the door? No, better just use a baby wipe if it's that bad.

Work, daily tasks, conversations, the questions about missing your baby. Remembering to eat or reminding yourself not to eat your emotions and stress. More daily tasks, try to have adult conversations without bringing up your baby, fail miserably. Check the clock and then look through every photo on Facebook or your phone because you miss your baby. Pick baby up from the babysitter. Head home, try to not go through the drive thru out of convenience and time but go home and cook. Cooking usually is put off by snuggle and play time. Then it's baby's dinner time and bath time. More playing, giggles, spanish lessons, story time. Snuggles until you both are exhausted. Only one gets sleep, typically.

The process starts all the way over. This is what Monday-Friday looks like. On chaotic days, there's a play date or a workout or errands thrown in the mix which then creates for less one on one time with baby.

My life changed so fast and with such beauty that it's these late nights that remind me that there is so much more to this life that I'm leading than the chaotic routines and repetitiveness. There are moments made and memories shared. Sure, Laurel won't remember them, but I will.

Tonight, I watched as she got on her knees, pulling her belly up and rocking on her hands and knees. She rocked and looked at me with wide eyes, dimples in her cheeks, and she laughed. She understood she was going to take off...any day now. I laughed with her and had tears streaming down my face. She is becoming this independent, fire ball of a little girl and in the routine and the chaos I sometimes loose sight of that.

She turned 6 months old today. She has been in my arms for 6 months, the best 6 months of my life. I've soaked up every moment, memory, tear, giggle, and heartache.

Tomorrow, I start focusing on myself a little more. It won't take away from Laurel & least I hope it doesn't. I will start working out regularly and eating clean. I have gained some weight in the last couple of months. Mainly from poor eating choices. There's no excuse, I knew every time I ordered a pizza or I got drive thru what I was doing. My body feels horrible. It's so sluggish. I used food AGAIN to cover and push some emotions and things down. No more. I'm facing it head on.

I'll create a new routine. Or maybe I'll just build to it. Is it ever really a routine when so much changes in so little time or it's always evolving? Is it just structured chaos?

Whatever it is, it's a beautiful life and I'm so lucky to be able to live and create this life with my daughter.

Grieving: Loss is Loss

"Chelsea, you need time to grieve", my friend said. 

No, I don't, no one died, I thought. 

Grieving isn't a process you think about until you're forced to process emotions, every single day. Grieving can be a full time job. It sucks. 

I didn't think I had to grieve because my boyfriend walked out on me while I was pregnant. I didn't think that I had the right to feel like a part of me was forever...gone. He was still alive. I have friends who have lost husbands, I couldn't grieve like them.

"Grief is a normal and natural response to loss. Though we often expect to grieve the death of a family member or friend, many other significant losses can also trigger grief."

I lost something. A friend, a relationship, a past, feelings of security, familiarity, comfort, support, and my routine. I needed to grieve. This was my new normal...grieving. Would it last forever? What would it entail?

I don't know much about grief, I know about loss. But sometimes, I refuse to grieve. I cut myself from a situation or person and just move on. I throw myself into work, fitness, my faith, or extra activities to take my mind off of what's going on within me. 

I am really good at cutting someone from my life. If they burn me, or I feel used time and time again, I cut them out. I cut off all communication, build a wall, and move on. No, it isn't healthy but I never really "miss" those people I cut out. I start over in life without their influence and life is just as sweet and rewarding without them in the picture. 
So what do I do when I can't cut someone out? Someone who I will need to "deal with" until my daughter is an adult and possibly even after, I mean, we have a child together?

I grieve. I go through the emotions. I process feelings. I cry. I become angry. I pray. I seek wisdom. Can I just say how exhausting it is sometimes? 

Last night, after a decent visitation period for Laurel and her father...I became extremely emotional. I had to sit down and think about where these emotions were coming from. 
Did I miss him? No.
Did I wish things were different...that we could work things out? No.
Did I hate him? No. 

I simply was feeling acceptance. Acceptance that things do not always change, and that people can let you down and betray you and you do not need to befriend them. I was emotional because I knew that I would have to continue to constantly "work" on the fact that I cannot and do not want to be his friend, ever again. I have forgiven him. I am civil. I am around him when he visits Laurel, but I do not have to make any effort beyond parenting. All I've ever know is to either cut someone out and cut off all efforts or throw myself into a friendship/relationship with everything I have. 

There's no in between. No middle ground, where I forgive but do not give the power of trust or friendship. But, I have to find those gray areas and after finding them and understanding those boundaries, I have to try and stay in those boundaries without resentment, without anger, without pain. Where do you start? At what point in this process do you begin? I have no idea. I've decided to live life, acknowledge the different stages of grief and seek help as needed. 

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. 

When Anger Creeps In

There is a grieving process a person goes through when they've been betrayed. A series of emotions take over and finding the healthiest way for you to adjust and move on is a struggle. 

I thank God for His plan in my life and giving me Laurel and having this happen just days before I met my daughter. Had I not been pregnant, I'm not sure if I would be dealing with this in a healthy way. I'm sure I would try but I might end up just as lost as my ex.

I had sadness for a while. Disbelief, numbness, hope, and then just recently anger has reared it's head. Sometimes I don't even have to talk to my ex to become enraged. I can be sitting, holding my daughter and the thought of walking away from her or simply throwing a pretty decent life away makes me want to scream. How does someone do that?

Then I go back and forth between thoughts about how I must have been such a horrible partner, how I didn't try hard enough, or how everything I thought was real was a complete sham. 

Then, I follow up with these thoughts: I gave and loved with everything I had for years, with nothing in return. I invested emotionally, physically, financially, and mentally and was completely drained. My existence and purpose was to make his life easier, I catered to his needs like a wounded dog wanting my master's approval. Setting love aside, a true friendship of 9 years would be worth more than months of cheating and walking away without any explanation. My friendship that I invested was worth closure. 

To those of you going through similar situations, there are so many questions and scenarios that you go over and over in your head. Sometimes you feel like you're drowning in uncertainty about every moment of your past relationship. I found that if you make positive, affirming statements that you know are true about yourself or the past relationship, you can repeat those, revisit them mentally and focus on those instead of letting the unknown eat at you. Those are truth. Some of the questions and thoughts you stay focused on will never go away and the answers will never surface. Here are my statements I revisit. Statements of truth.

1. I've never been happier. 

2. Laurel and I deserve more. We deserve a man of God.

3. The only way he (my ex) will find himself is through Christ.

4. God has prepared my heart and mind for this season in my life. He is also continuing to prepare my heart for something greater. This is all making me a woman of faith.

I have to repeat these to myself because sometimes the anger creeps in and I want to say hurtful things, sit and be angry, or simply shut off. I don't feel the need to get revenge. I've forgiven him (you'll read about that more later), but it doesn't mean that the grieving process goes away with forgiveness. It still appears at some of the most inconvenient times, but it tests my faith, prayer, and grace.