Grieving: Loss is Loss

"Chelsea, you need time to grieve", my friend said. 

No, I don't, no one died, I thought. 

Grieving isn't a process you think about until you're forced to process emotions, every single day. Grieving can be a full time job. It sucks. 

I didn't think I had to grieve because my boyfriend walked out on me while I was pregnant. I didn't think that I had the right to feel like a part of me was forever...gone. He was still alive. I have friends who have lost husbands, I couldn't grieve like them.

"Grief is a normal and natural response to loss. Though we often expect to grieve the death of a family member or friend, many other significant losses can also trigger grief."

I lost something. A friend, a relationship, a past, feelings of security, familiarity, comfort, support, and my routine. I needed to grieve. This was my new normal...grieving. Would it last forever? What would it entail?

I don't know much about grief, I know about loss. But sometimes, I refuse to grieve. I cut myself from a situation or person and just move on. I throw myself into work, fitness, my faith, or extra activities to take my mind off of what's going on within me. 

I am really good at cutting someone from my life. If they burn me, or I feel used time and time again, I cut them out. I cut off all communication, build a wall, and move on. No, it isn't healthy but I never really "miss" those people I cut out. I start over in life without their influence and life is just as sweet and rewarding without them in the picture. 
So what do I do when I can't cut someone out? Someone who I will need to "deal with" until my daughter is an adult and possibly even after, I mean, we have a child together?

I grieve. I go through the emotions. I process feelings. I cry. I become angry. I pray. I seek wisdom. Can I just say how exhausting it is sometimes? 

Last night, after a decent visitation period for Laurel and her father...I became extremely emotional. I had to sit down and think about where these emotions were coming from. 
Did I miss him? No.
Did I wish things were different...that we could work things out? No.
Did I hate him? No. 

I simply was feeling acceptance. Acceptance that things do not always change, and that people can let you down and betray you and you do not need to befriend them. I was emotional because I knew that I would have to continue to constantly "work" on the fact that I cannot and do not want to be his friend, ever again. I have forgiven him. I am civil. I am around him when he visits Laurel, but I do not have to make any effort beyond parenting. All I've ever know is to either cut someone out and cut off all efforts or throw myself into a friendship/relationship with everything I have. 

There's no in between. No middle ground, where I forgive but do not give the power of trust or friendship. But, I have to find those gray areas and after finding them and understanding those boundaries, I have to try and stay in those boundaries without resentment, without anger, without pain. Where do you start? At what point in this process do you begin? I have no idea. I've decided to live life, acknowledge the different stages of grief and seek help as needed. 

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. 

When Anger Creeps In

There is a grieving process a person goes through when they've been betrayed. A series of emotions take over and finding the healthiest way for you to adjust and move on is a struggle. 

I thank God for His plan in my life and giving me Laurel and having this happen just days before I met my daughter. Had I not been pregnant, I'm not sure if I would be dealing with this in a healthy way. I'm sure I would try but I might end up just as lost as my ex.

I had sadness for a while. Disbelief, numbness, hope, and then just recently anger has reared it's head. Sometimes I don't even have to talk to my ex to become enraged. I can be sitting, holding my daughter and the thought of walking away from her or simply throwing a pretty decent life away makes me want to scream. How does someone do that?

Then I go back and forth between thoughts about how I must have been such a horrible partner, how I didn't try hard enough, or how everything I thought was real was a complete sham. 

Then, I follow up with these thoughts: I gave and loved with everything I had for years, with nothing in return. I invested emotionally, physically, financially, and mentally and was completely drained. My existence and purpose was to make his life easier, I catered to his needs like a wounded dog wanting my master's approval. Setting love aside, a true friendship of 9 years would be worth more than months of cheating and walking away without any explanation. My friendship that I invested was worth closure. 

To those of you going through similar situations, there are so many questions and scenarios that you go over and over in your head. Sometimes you feel like you're drowning in uncertainty about every moment of your past relationship. I found that if you make positive, affirming statements that you know are true about yourself or the past relationship, you can repeat those, revisit them mentally and focus on those instead of letting the unknown eat at you. Those are truth. Some of the questions and thoughts you stay focused on will never go away and the answers will never surface. Here are my statements I revisit. Statements of truth.

1. I've never been happier. 

2. Laurel and I deserve more. We deserve a man of God.

3. The only way he (my ex) will find himself is through Christ.

4. God has prepared my heart and mind for this season in my life. He is also continuing to prepare my heart for something greater. This is all making me a woman of faith.

I have to repeat these to myself because sometimes the anger creeps in and I want to say hurtful things, sit and be angry, or simply shut off. I don't feel the need to get revenge. I've forgiven him (you'll read about that more later), but it doesn't mean that the grieving process goes away with forgiveness. It still appears at some of the most inconvenient times, but it tests my faith, prayer, and grace.