So Much Can Chang In A Year.

Since I was a child, remembering dates, events, and special occasions down to the day has been my "secret gift". I think it started when I would start counting the "good days" my step dad would have before a "bad day" would happen. The bad days would sometimes last weeks, and I would remember the date of the start and the date of the end. It was how I learned to anticipate his moods. As I grew up, I realized I was noticing his using pattern. He used what I think he got his hands on, drug wise. As I got older, and my step dad was out of the picture, I found myself celebrating more, remember days and events because there was no anger or hurt behind the scenes. There were a lot of good days, which made me remember them more.

So, this year, I've spent a lot of time remember where I was a year ago to the day...I don't just remember the day and events, but I remember the feelings. I'm sure that will get less and less as time goes on. But, I hope I remember February 14, 2015 for the rest of my life; as I'm sure I will. This day changed me forever.

Valentines Day is supposed to be filled with love, cheesy cards, candy, and spending time with your spouse. Sadly, I never really got that from my ex. In the beginning, I suppose. But, having found out I had been cheated on multiple times during my pregnancy, I was hoping Valentines Day would entail something special since I had spent my entire pregnancy forgiving, working on things, changing myself, and praying my family would stay together. February 14, 2015, my ex (J) didn't make plans or want to do anything. We exchanged gifts. I got him an xbox and he got me a 200 gift certificate for a spa before the baby came. I asked if he wanted to go down to one of the local bars to grab dinner so we didn't have to fight the crowds at some of the bigger places. We drove separately, and then we ate dinner in silence. He sat across from me, angry and distant. He then told me he was going to go visit his friends across town.

It was around 2am when I woke and found J to be no where in sight and no texts on my phone. So, I did what I should have done weeks before. I sent a text "Are you still sleeping with her?"

His reply, "Yes" came moments later.

That was it. I couldn't do it anymore. Weeks before he had come into the house drunk while I was taking a bath. He was crying and telling me he picked me. And he would fight for me. But in October he had told me he had only done it once, and it meant nothing and he wouldn't do it again. Only to find out it did happen, time and time again.

I sat there the night of Valentines Day feeling empty. Feeling broken. He called me and I remember telling him he needed to get his things. He said, "Okay." Nothing more. It took 4 days before he even came to get anything. When he did, he grabbed a bag and left. I kept asking him about what he was thinking and what he was doing and what we would do when our daughter would arrive in just a couple of weeks. He said nothing. He just walked out of my house and didn't look back.

I don't like to admit this next part. I don't like saying it out loud because parts of me feel weak for feeling this way, but I know the emotions I experienced were not only my own but being 9 months pregnant didn't help. I asked my co-worker if I could stay on her couch a couple of nights. Then, when I felt like I needed to move on, I asked for a friend to come stay with me. When I went on maternity leave just a week later, I went to stay with J's parents who treat me like their daughter. I made myself be around people at all times.

I had never been in such a dark place and the thought of going on in life without the person who was by my side for almost 10 years and becoming a mother all alone, it terrified me. I thought about hurting myself. I thought about how ending it would make things easier. I thought about how I would do it. Then my daughter kicked. And then she kicked some more. So, I planned out the following weeks so I wasn't alone. The darkness set it and it suffocated me. There was nothing anyone said or did that made sense.

Each night, I prayed for J. I prayed all night long about his safety, his peace, his decisions, his life, his future, our daughter, his relationship one day with our daughter. I prayed that I would someday be able to forgive. I prayed to someday understand. I prayed for everything. Every single night for three weeks, my heart was at the feet of Jesus. Each night, there was more peace. More understanding of what I needed to do the next day (get up, smile, and live).

My daughter was born on March 6, 2015. I allowed him in the room and in the operating room during my emergency C-section. I remember seeing him look at her and look back at me with the biggest smile on his face "She's so beautiful!" He squeezed my hand and said "She is gorgeous, good job." Holding her, every single harsh feeling, hurt, and negative emotion went away. I didn't think for a second about how I would get through raising her on my own. I didn't think for a second about the loneliness that I would endure. She pulled me out of the darkness. She was my light. What would have happened if I didn't have her? What would I have done if she didn't kick that night when I wanted to end it? Would I still be here? I'm not sure. When there's a darkness that sets in and a heartache that makes you feel like you're suffocating...you don't know what the next moment will bring.

I'm sharing this summarized story for healing. I have forgiven J. And I realized this past year what an incredibly unhappy and unhealthy relationship I was in. I truly have never been happier. This past year, not only have I learned how to be alone, lonely, and single but I have learned how to truly love myself. I have learned more about myself this last year than I have in most of my young adult life. People that knew J and I in the past ask if I would ever give it another chance down the road. I think people ask this because of our daughter. I remind myself every single day that my daughter deserves to see her mother loved, adored, and cherished. She deserves to see her mother be respected and taken care of. She deserves to see her mother happy, laughing, and singing along with the radio in the car. She deserves to see her mother chasing her dreams and wondering what adventures tomorrow will bring. None of that happened with J, and I don't see it ever happening with him. So no, I will never go backward in this life. I have learned that staying idle and staying present and never looking to tomorrow brings so much unhappiness.

I took back an amazing power over my life. I jumped into not only being single for the first time in a decade, and realizing that the person I shared my "firsts" with would not be my forever; but I jumped into those realizations while learning to be a mother. I'm simultaneously learning how to be content single, or juggling the dating scene (it isn't that bad) while learning what kind of mother I am and hope to be. It's a lot to undertake, but every single day I see this beautiful brown eyed girl that looks exactly like her father and I'm reminded that I fought for our lives before I met her. I made it a priority that we were safe from any kind of darkness. So, if I can do that during the most troubling time of my life, I can do anything.

More than all of this self love and self awareness, I'm so grateful God closed that door. That's what it was. I remember praying during my pregnancy about the unknown. About not knowing how I would be able to parent with J, or how my unhappiness would effect my daughter. I remember ending my prayers for months with, "Lord, please show me happiness, fill my heart with what is good of You. Empty my life of anything that is not pleasing to You and that will not bring my heart happiness." This is written all over in my journal. So...He did. He removed and filled my life with Him. He has shown me desires I didn't even know I had. He has shown me dreams and passions. I have a long way to go to please Him and live out His will for my life, but I'm so blessed I chose to fight the darkness so I could discover these wonders.

A year has gone by faster than I ever imagined. Not only am I completely happy with where I am in my life and who is in my life, but I'm thankful that J walked away. I don't think I would have ever learned what I have this year if he stayed. People come into our lives and we let them stay for a reason. We learn lessons, we hurt, we love, and we move on. I'm not sure how long this day will make me feel all these bittersweet emotions, but I pray that I'm constantly reminded of the darkness I fought. I hope I continue to fight like I did those weeks where I could have so easily given up.

I want to say thank you to my family and friends for all of your support the last year. I've probably cried on your shoulders, or spent time talking about the pain...your support and love means the world to me.

XOXO,

Chelsea

Co-Parenting: The Beautiful Struggle

It's been almost 8 weeks since my daughter's father seemed to just "wake up". Slowly, but surely. He has made more effort. He has talked, opened up, and shown up. 

I've been open, talked, listened, supported, and acted with kindness. We have had dinner at my house, we've had a family day out for pictures with santa. We've been able to be at a family (his side) function without awkwardness. He has been able to watch Laurel while I went out for a break with friends. He has even had her a full day with his family.  We've been able to share about life and struggles. We talk, in a healthy way. We discuss decisions regarding Laurel. We co-parent. 

Its been great. Empowering and inspiring. I share and document things on my Facebook and so many people have reached out and commented about the good we are doing for our daughter. I agree completely. I just don't want people to feel like we need a pat on the back. I want people to know that co-parenting can work. It can be healthy, and sometimes it's the best situation for the child. Co-parenting in a positive way isn't shared or talked about a lot. Sharing, dropping off, picking up, and having tension during drop off times is what's talked about. That's the normal. 

There will be days in the years to come where Laurel will go to her dads, and it will just be them, and hopefully a wonderful (healthy & positive) step-mother. I won't be there to make the memories with them. She will come home and tell me about their day, and she will get excited and they will share moments that I won't be in. That's hard to wrap my head around. But right now, for as long as possible, and in the future-for the bigger things, her dad and I will do these things together. We will be there letting her know she has our full support and love. 

There has been so much beauty. So many memories, laughs, and seeing Laurel happy with the two of us. However, there are ugly moments, tough moments. Moments that we will have to address in the future and feelings are going to get hurt, and toes will be stepped on. As much as I know the reality in this, I'm praying that we can be in these happy moments for as long and as often as possible. And when the ugliness of co-parenting appears, we are capable of only focusing on the beauty and putting "us" aside and focusing on Laurel.

You see, Laurel's dad and I have known each other for 10 years, we dated for almost 9. We had a life together, and we knew everything about one another. We knew when the other would crack a joke in public, we knew what the other would be thinking. We were in sync. We were like the same person in certain aspects. So, now, almost a year a part and most of that year not on good terms...we are having to get to know one another, again. Or, he has to get to know me. I'm nothing like I was when he left. I'm a completely different person, and I think I surprise him at certain times because he isn't anticipating what I'm doing or what comes out of my mouth. That makes me so proud. That tells me I've grown. That no matter what hurt came into my life, I didn't let it break me. I made it make me better, stronger, wiser, and softer. 

People are often taken back when I tell them he talks to me about his love life, or his problems. I give him advice, I listen. In some ways, I'm still his person; even though he isn't mine. Why do I do that? One: It doesn't bother me. It doesn't hurt me. I had to come face to face with the fact that I wasn't happy and was just pretending to be. Two: I do it for Laurel. He needs someone and someone that's a healthy source, and that's me. I have healthy boundaries and they are in place, and I know when I need to pull back or when to change the subject. He can tell me about his life, but beyond Laurel; he doesn't get to see into my life. It's private because I get to choose to let him in or if I'll let him in. Moms or dads, if you're co-parenting, that's acceptable. That's okay for you to keep things private when it comes to YOU.

I've created a life outside of him. I have a life outside of co-parenting. But we co-parent really well. I give God all the glory and praise when it comes to this. He has answered my prayers and has seen my deepest desires as a mother. I just want my daughter to have the healthiest situation possible. I'm grateful God has worked on me to not be angry or bitter and to forgive, because I wouldn't be able to co-parent if I had all of those emotions toward him. 

From our family to yours, Merry Christmas & Happy New Year!!!!

Over You

I've had someone say, "You aren't over him." 
I've been asked if I was over the heartache. 
I've been wondering if there would be a moment of solidarity that confirmed what I've thought the past several months I'm over you.

Last night, I found myself texting you and giving advice. You came to me broken and alone. I told myself I wasn't going to be your friend. I told myself that the past 8 months. You don't deserve my friendship. I still agree with that, but you do deserve kindness, compassion, and forgiveness. You deserve to see Christ's love; even if it's living through me and being spoken from my words. 

Then, tonight, you sat in my living room with our daughter in your lap. Your eyes were asking for hope, searching for answers. We talked about things with such ease. I don't remember us talking like that when we were a couple. I made comments about my life (now) that you had no idea about. I could see the shock on your face; you realizing I'm not the same person you once knew. You saw me glowing, radiant, free, and happy. Who was this person in front of you? How could you be like her? I get it. 

I told you tonight, "Where you are right now, that's where I was. I've been there, I've felt the emotions. So, when I'm telling you something, it's not because it's the book answer, it's the real raw truth." You see, I know God is using me in this life and He has plans for me to help others. Did I ever think He would have me start with you? Never in a thousand years, but His plan is much bigger than I can fathom. He is teaching me so much when it comes to how I'm able to talk with you. 

We talked about other partners, other experiences, and although I was once broken when it came to realizing you weren't only going to be just mine...I felt nothing tonight. No sadness, no loneliness, no wondering thoughts about our past. Nothing. 

You may think you grew with me and we grew together as a couple, but you're wrong. You might have grown, yes. But as a couple, we didn't grow. It was one sided. I encouraged growth on your end; I even ran to catch up with you when it came to our relationship, but I never grew. My feet were buried in the mud, but I made sure you were growing. I made sure your feet were able to move at all times. I remained in the same spot; unhappy and lost. 

Between that realization and the emotionless connection I had with you tonight, it made me realize that the happiness and completeness I have in my life right now confirms that I am over you. We will always stare at our daughter in disbelief that we created her. We may even exchange looks as she grows about memories that she brings to the surface; a laugh or giggle. A phrase. A movie. A kiss. Anything. We may even hug and remember the way we both felt safe in one another's embrace. We may have to lean on one another emotionally for support during a trailing time with our daughter. In all of this, I'll respect you. But I'll be over you. I've been over you. I never thought it would be possible. But, I've put in the work, and discovered myself and the potential I have as a person in this world. I'll never go backward. 

I hope you become a worthy man. I hope you find a wife someday that is worthy of you and our daughter. I pray for these things for you. Keep working on your life, keep filtering the bad out, and strive to better yourself. Turn your eyes to Jesus, I guarantee you'll see the reflection of the man you were created to be. 

Deceleration

Last Sunday, October 25, 2015 I made a life changing decision. This has been on my heart for years. Yes,  years. My mother and step father had me baptized and dedicated as an infant. I was raised in the church and have grown up believing and relying on God as my higher power. I've made decisions that are seen to not reflect that belief, but I've always had faith. I've grown over the past few years, and within the last 8 months, I've really found who I am in Christ and who I want to be. So, in September there was the option of being baptized at my church, River of Life. I immediately signed up. My cousin was also being baptized in Idaho the same weekend, so I decided to attend his in support.

This summer, I made some choices I'm not proud of and acted in ways that I never would have before; or at least that's what I thought. I went through this "I'm single, stressed, and want to have fun" phase. I wasn't living a life that I was proud of but my stress was lessened and I was around a lot of awesome people and I felt my age; I didn't feel my responsibilities crashing down around me every second. I have worked through those feelings with the Lord and have been extremely raw in my pleas to be formed and renewed in His eyes. Because I wasn't baptized in September, I found myself thinking about it a lot and praying about it. So, another opportunity came up and I knew that I had a month before I was going to make a huge deceleration of faith.

Being baptized is a public display of your faith and a proclamation of how you plan to live your life. I was so excited to make a public announcement of who I plan to live for and the life I've chosen after some of the hardest years of my life. I know Jesus has forgiven me of my sins, He has done that since I first believed. But, I never really consciously tried to lessen those sins by living a pure or Godly life. Yes, I'm a nice person, I give and serve others, practice respect, ect. But, I've never really thought to myself before make decisions or real life choices "Is this going to benefit God? Is this glorifying His name?" So, making a deceleration and being baptized, I was making a promise not only to God but myself that I was going to live and walk a life that glorifies Him & I was going to raise my daughter to love and honor Him as well.

I had family & friends from Washington, Idaho, Seeley Lake, and Missoula there to support and pour out their love for the choice I was making for Laurel and I. It was a beautiful and very emotional morning. Since I discovered basking in the Holy Spirit years ago at CFO, I have felt a strong calling in prayer. So, I spent most of my morning and time at church listening to the Word in prayer and communication with God. I had my dear friend and leader of the single mom's group at church, Jeannine present (along with the other single moms). Gary & Heatherann, Laurel's grandparents were present by my side. The moments before and listening to Pastor Jason speak into my life about healing and using my hurt and my struggles to help those who are hurting and going through what I went through was confirmation of everything I experienced in prayer that morning. It was amazing to hear that confirmation, just seconds before I was washed of my old life.

God is so good! 

Fears

There are so many blessings that come with being a parent. So many joys. So many laughs, kisses, messy faces. There are so many moments where I'm brought to tears out of disbelief that this is my amazing and perfect life. I'm taken back daily by the creation of my daughter and the little person she's becoming. I sit and watch her discover, accomplish new leaps and bounds in her motor skills, her voice, and her willingness to try new, scary things. She is her father's daughter like that; she stretches and challenges the limits until she's satisfied. People say she's like me in that sense but I don't look at the task and take it on immediately, I weigh out the pros and cons, come up with a plan, plan b, and then decide if it's worth it. If she is like this as an adult, I'll be envious but so incredibly proud. 

When all of this stops, when I'm alone at work, driving in the car to get my daughter, or sitting in the dark living room taking a moment to myself-so many emotions want to rise and show themselves. It's exhausting. I don't stuff them down often, I really don't. I know it's only been 8 months and that sometimes this kind of struggle and hardship takes a lifetime to accept and process. But, I feel like I make progress and then I take a couple steps back. I notice the anger I have when I don't have enough time in the day to take care of myself, Laurel, my house, and be able to truly just love on my daughter. I get so mad. I know I'm doing a great job, and my daughter is loved and happy. My school work gets done. My job is getting done. But help--help would be wonderful. I do ask for it when I'm stretched thin, my village is amazing. But there's this anger and resentment toward the other person that's supposed to be a parent. I think this will be the hardest lesson to learn-the hardest pain to understand. Because it involves my daughter being robbed. He's robbing her. Does he not see that? She deserve such an amazing father-she deserves the world and he doesn't see that or doesn't feel the need to become that for her. 

What do I do when I'm sitting at home and she does something incredible, completely amazing and she reminds me of him-which she does often-and I can't just pick up the phone and share the excitement? I can, but is that really my job? Am I supposed to rely every movement, every stride to him and then he continues to not be present? No. I don't. I share pictures and update him when he asks, but at what point do I stop getting frustrated that I can't share those moments with him-because I know his potential. I know if he wanted, he could be an incredible father. But because of what I know and what I've promised myself for my daughter, I will not enable him-I will not make things easier-I will not do what I've always done and cater to him. 

Today, as I was driving and a familiar song came on the radio--I'm always taken back to moments of hearing that song and his commentary. Moments that weren't always bad. They were decent. But, today I got sad. I haven't been sad concerning him & our past in a long time-probably since he left. But today, something overwhelming came over and I couldn't believe I was feeling so sad. I had to sit at the grocery store parking lot and think through it-was I missing him? No. Was I missing our relationship? No. Was I sad because he walked out? No. Did I miss my friend? Maybe, but just the person I thought he was. Did I wish things were different? Absolutely not. So why, Chelsea, why are you sad?

Because my daughter may never get to even have the good memories, the good moments. I have moments of contentment with her father-looking back-I don't think I was every truly happy. I was forcing myself to be happy, to accept and embrace the love we had. I loved him, very much but I wasn't happy. What made me happy was loving him and trying to make him happy. So, will my daughter live that same life with her father? Will she struggle with wanting and trying to make her father happy but never truly have happy moments and memories with her father? Will they create happy moments and then as she gets older, will she realize that it was all fake? Can he love her the way she deserves? Because he wronged me, I'm so fearful he will do it to her, like it was done to me by my father(s). 

I know these fears and questions can never be addressed right now. I know our lives will fall into place the way God intends it to, but I'm so worried about how he will impact her life. I know the only way to ease this fear and calm my heart is through prayer and teaching my daughter of her Heavenly and Loving Father, Jesus. This is what I plan to do. On October 25, I will be baptized and it's more than just letting go of my past and promising to live my life for Christ, it's a declaration that I'll teach my daughter about how to be a Godly woman and about the One true, Abba Father. 

Dear Cheating Ex-

My heart aches for you. It aches for your loneliness and your insecurities. No person should feel so insecure in who they are. No one should feel less than. I'm sorry that you could not take all the love, dedication, appreciation, and friendship of our 8.5 years and realize how truly wonderful you are and how much potential you have. But I realize, no one can make you believe or trust that except yourself.

You see, I had to realize it for myself also. I had to discover my worth. I had to reach the lowest point and crawl up out of the pit of despair because I knew my life was worth it. It's hard. Realizing, trusting, and embracing your worth is one of the hardest experiences someone will go through. But I guarantee you'll find happiness and wholeness in life once you do. Keep trying.

I want to say thank you. These thank you's aren't out of sarcasm or to hurt you. They are truly appreciation for what you've taught me. I've learned to make the best out of every situation and to search and pray for a lesson or answer in every trial. You taught me that. Your actions surely broke a home, my heart, and what could have been a secure future...but more than that they created a healthier me. I had to do the hard work. I had to dig deep & overcome emotions, heartache, and complete loss.

Thank you for reminding me what and who really matters. Your actions had a domino reaction to everything in my life and at the end of ever tumble...it lead me to God. I strayed from my relationship with God; surely you know that. Your relationship became non existent also. We were in a sinful relationship; extremely unhealthy and God was not the center. We lost ourselves in who we were in Christ and because of that we lost ourselves as people and our relationship just became this empty shell of the two of us but nothing significant to contribute to one another or God's Kingdom. Because of what happened, I found myself crawling back on my knees to Christ. Trusting His love and plans for my life. This is probably the most precious lesson.

Thank you for hiding secrets, lying, and continuing to hurt me over and over. Because of this, you've made me more aware. Aware of my emotions, purpose, and what I truly deserve. It was up to me to stop giving you chance after chance. I admit, I should have stopped things a long time ago--I probably would have saved a lot of heartache...possibly on both sides. But, I know that things happened the way they were supposed to. Because of your unfaithfulness and disregard to my feelings or our friendship, I discovered how often I let people take advantage of me and I am now proactive.

I'm in this new season of life and it's such a beautiful time where I'm experiencing new things, meeting new people, growing as a child of God and a mother. It truly is one of my favorite seasons so far. It's reminds me of the moments following a storm when the wind gently breezes through the trees, the rain slows it's pace, and the grass smells as if it has become fresher. It's within that moment where you smile and wait for the rainbow to appear. 

This season wouldn't have happened without you. I'll be honest, I never wanted to give you credit for what I've been fighting for and the strength I've had to discover but if it wasn't for what you did--I might have never dug myself out. I would have sat in that loveless, dead relationship for years. Our daughter would have seen it and come to known it as normal. You hurt me, you broke me, and took away what felt like a lifetime of memories and friendship but your actions had me fight for my future. Thank you. 

I pray you find your way. Your worth. Your happy ending. Your purpose God has outlined for you. In the meantime, be aware of your actions. Treat others kindly. Love purely. Trust God's hand in your life. Our daughter and I pray for you every night. We pray that Papa finds what he has been looking for. 

In my prayers,

Chelsea 

Routines & Chaos

I never noticed how my life before Laurel was routine or chaotic. I spent time at home, work, the gym, with the few friends I had. I spent time with my ex, a lot. We didn't do much, but we were always hanging out. When life got chaotic, I would get a little frazzled and just wait until it calmed down.

Being a mother, there's chaos in the routine. You can't have one without the other. You wake up in the middle of the night to walk down the hall to check on your little one. You wake up in the morning before the alarm goes off or you sleep through the alarm but only hear your baby crying. You spend early hours, smiling, playing and getting baby dressed. There's the morning feeding, if she's hungry. Now that she goes longer between feedings, she can often wait until she's at the babysitters. We play and giggle more. Spend time reading and playing with toys until the sun comes up. Then it's rushing for you to get ready, did you shower last night? Do you have enough time to take one before you need to head out the door? No, better just use a baby wipe if it's that bad.

Work, daily tasks, conversations, the questions about missing your baby. Remembering to eat or reminding yourself not to eat your emotions and stress. More daily tasks, try to have adult conversations without bringing up your baby, fail miserably. Check the clock and then look through every photo on Facebook or your phone because you miss your baby. Pick baby up from the babysitter. Head home, try to not go through the drive thru out of convenience and time but go home and cook. Cooking usually is put off by snuggle and play time. Then it's baby's dinner time and bath time. More playing, giggles, spanish lessons, story time. Snuggles until you both are exhausted. Only one gets sleep, typically.

The process starts all the way over. This is what Monday-Friday looks like. On chaotic days, there's a play date or a workout or errands thrown in the mix which then creates for less one on one time with baby.

My life changed so fast and with such beauty that it's these late nights that remind me that there is so much more to this life that I'm leading than the chaotic routines and repetitiveness. There are moments made and memories shared. Sure, Laurel won't remember them, but I will.

Tonight, I watched as she got on her knees, pulling her belly up and rocking on her hands and knees. She rocked and looked at me with wide eyes, dimples in her cheeks, and she laughed. She understood she was going to take off...any day now. I laughed with her and had tears streaming down my face. She is becoming this independent, fire ball of a little girl and in the routine and the chaos I sometimes loose sight of that.

She turned 6 months old today. She has been in my arms for 6 months, the best 6 months of my life. I've soaked up every moment, memory, tear, giggle, and heartache.

Tomorrow, I start focusing on myself a little more. It won't take away from Laurel & least I hope it doesn't. I will start working out regularly and eating clean. I have gained some weight in the last couple of months. Mainly from poor eating choices. There's no excuse, I knew every time I ordered a pizza or I got drive thru what I was doing. My body feels horrible. It's so sluggish. I used food AGAIN to cover and push some emotions and things down. No more. I'm facing it head on.

I'll create a new routine. Or maybe I'll just build to it. Is it ever really a routine when so much changes in so little time or it's always evolving? Is it just structured chaos?

Whatever it is, it's a beautiful life and I'm so lucky to be able to live and create this life with my daughter.